Theater of the Absurd

Day. The elevator. A building lobby on the Upper Best Side, quietly and tastefully decorated in the style of the co-op board decorating committee.

The elevator operator is in his elevator, stage right. Minutes pass. Although there is no one in sight, the elevator operator stands at military attention. The elevator bell rings, prompting the elevator operator to spring into action.

The elevator door closes as the stage darkens. The elevator remains lit. The light from the golden dome in the temple of vertical motion suffuses the space that is understood to be the elevator. The elevator operator turns the knob that runs the elevator. An engine is heard to start. The elevator is moving. As the elevator is understood to be ascending, a light just in front of the elevator door begins to become brighter, revealing The Maestro. He is wearing knee socks, corduroy knickers, a Boy Scouts of America windbreaker and a Smoky Bear-style hat. The engine stops. The elevator operator opens the door for him, taking no notice of his strange attire- it is The Maestro’s everyday garb.

The Maestro- Good morning, sir. (His accent, while legible, is thick and soupy, as though he has several accents at once, say, upper-crusty English, along with Portuguese and Castilian Spanish.)

The elevator operator nods a quiet good morning as he closes the elevator door. The bell rings. The engine starts again when the door closes, although it does not run as long as it did when the elevator went up before. Although it is understood that the elevator is on its way down, because passengers are never made to ride in the opposite direction they intend to go, it is also understood that the elevator is making another stop before the lobby. As before, a light outside the elevator brightens to reveal Miss Barbera. She is wearing a huge green snorkel-style fur-trimmed parka which obscures her face, which is further obscured by red plastic-framed spectacles. A pair of white sneakers stick out of the bottom of the parka. She is carrying a large worn paper shopping bag from a defunct department store and a shoulder bag, both of which are as full as they can possibly be with indeterminate matter. She will be carrying the same bags, equally full, when she returns to the building an hour later. As she enters the elevator, she asks The Maestro, who has been her neighbor for decades…

Miss Barbera- Oh, are you a state trooper?

Maestro- No, I am a scoutmaster. What are you dressed up as?

The elevator engine stops as all the lights come on. The elevator has arrived at the lobby. There is an awkward moment as the neighbors, who are now dramatically ignoring one another, negotiate the etiquette of leaving the elevator. The elevator operator returns to his posture of military attention, although the dazed look on his face leads other residents, who will ride the elevator later, to speculate that he is under the influence of something. He wishes he were.